I Slept With A 20 something White Male and Woke Up To A New World

My reason for composing this is because of a recent sexual encounter I had. I met a boy who is white, speaks english, around the same age as me, and not disfigured. The entire time I was with him it felt wrong and uncomfortable for no real reason at all. When I woke up the next morning and drove his ass home, my life flashed before my eyes and things started to make sense.

I wont deny the fact that I am an awkward individual. The things I say and the life choices I make are a bit out of the ordinary. I find comfort in knowing I have the greatest friends in the entire world who know and understand my odd behavior and still choose to accept me. Which is why I am most certain they had seen this blog coming way before I even considered it.

I most definitely believe I would make an awesome gay person. The main reason is because I take a mean jello shot. Like I am not even kidding when I say I can swipe the jello out with my tongue like nobody else I know. I think I have had "it" (being a huge gay) going on since I was born. As an infant the only way to keep me quiet was to put me down in front of the t.v. while there was a hockey game on. I grew up a tom boy, jeans and a t shirt covered in dirt. Throughout elementary school I had 0 girl friends, I was one of the boys. My first girl crush I can remember happened while watching The Great Outdoors a true masterpiece starring the great John Candy rofl. The girl in the movie, Cammie, played by Lucy Deakins (who also played Milly in The Boy Who Could Fly) stole my heart at a very young age and I have had plenty of girl crushes since then.

Later on in middle and high school I started hanging around more girls and adopting their ways. The first penis I saw was in my junior high school hallway. It was quite scary. As I recall me and the other boy were walking and he told me to "look" so I did and there it was. Soon after that he became my first boyfriend <3 That "relationship" which consisted of 1 movie trip and hand holding only lasted about 2 weeks. I soon became what I consider to be a massive kissing whore. I dont know if the number of dudes I was macking with would be considered a sexual offense or not, but I needed to be stopped. Looking back now I think a lot of it had to do with me just not giving a flying fuck and honestly not being physically or emotionally attracted them. They did nothing for me. There was one fella who kept me interested for almost 5 1/2 years. We were alright together, I enjoyed living with him, and for fucks sake he was hysterical. The major issue in our relationship however was that he was in fact a male.

I've never been with a chick but I have a feeling it would go a lot smoother than most of my bro hook ups. Until that day arrives when I find the right girl I will continue to rock the foreign male scene to ensure I never have to have an actual conversation with someone.

Beyond The Desk

I just had a mental break down at work, over the DUMBEST thing ever and I now need to talk about what the hell it is I do over here. I work for a non-profit career development center, helping people get their shit together and find work. My role in the whole deal is to meet with new clients, get their story, make them feel comfortable and really get to know them. I help construct their resume and introduce them to the company. Pretty much when they walk into this building the 2nd, 3rd, 527th time I need to know who the fuck they are and say "YO WHAT UP LONG TIME NO SEE HOWS THE JOB SEARCH, HOWS THE KIDS, HOWS GRANNY DOING, ANY BETTER?!?!!?" If I dont remember their face I get real sneaky asking questions until I figure it out. Most of the people coming in and out of here have just about had it with life and need someone to be awesome, supportive, and make them feel like they are the only person we are dealing with. At about 2:15pm I got a call from a returning client, who I know almost everything about,  and she wanted to let me know she was going to be able to make her appointment at 2:30pm but might be a little late. When she walked in at 2:45pm I had an absolute brain fart and made up a fake name for her in my head and truly believed it was her correct name. After realizing I had it all wrong I started belly laughing in her face and couldnt control it. I was in complete hysterics and there were co workers billowing out of their offices to see what the shit dick was happening in the front lobby. At this point I had tears streaming down my face, holding on to the now correctly named client, trying to explain myself. Usually Im the one with a smile on hiding my cold dead heart while they cry about their god awful lives, but this time it was me crying, laughing, and I havent checked yet but probably pooping my pants. I was a fucking mess.

Now that I am on the subject of work I would also like to put into words how much of a turd one of the bitches I work with is. She came out of god damn nowhere about 4 months in of me working here. I like red hair dont get me wrong, I sometimes use that shit in a box that smells like cat piss to color my hair a strange tint of red, but this douche has Mufasa hair. Big and stupid. She comes over to my desk about every 20 minutes asking me about certain clients and when the last time I talked to them was, its fucking annoying. When she isnt asking questions shes telling me about how romantic her 6'9" 140 pound boyfriend is, who I am sure she crushes to death in bed. Thinking about them makes me down right sick. Another thing about her that makes me want to rip my own stomach cavity out and feed it to some hungry bears is when she talks about her doing yoga. If she thinks for a second I believe shes doing yoga she is a fool. The thing really grinding my gears lately is how "sweet" and "thoughtful" shes PRETENDING to be. I can see right through her freckles and into the Cruella Deville like soul of hers. I just sit here waiting for the day a skinless puppy runs out of her office.

All this work talk has me not knowing how to act. I need a damn beer.

Get A Grip

How awesome is this? I experimented with some illegal drugs (the boogie shoogie) 3 times and now people assume I am an international drug dealer with a serious addiction. Well ladies and gents the truth is I dont have drugs to sell to you. I know where to get them, I know how to get them, I know how much it would cost me, and I know how much I would charge you. It aint going to happen though. We all know I am totally obsessed with having fun and I love my liquor, but unfortunately Im just not a chronic drug user. Sure I dabble but I see no harm in that. If you by crazy chance see me at a rave, I will probably be on ecstasy, get over it. I have been to 1 rave in the 24 years I have been alive, unless you count the party in my home town I went to that had loud music, wild lights, and booze....then ok I have been to 2. So chances of running into me trippin balls is highly unlikely. Another thing you wont ever find me doing is smoking the wacky tobacky, I dont smoke anything. I dont smoke tobacco, the wacky kind, crack, meth etc. I do not smoke. I dont mind stopping at the local 7-11 for you if you need a pack of butts, which go for about $8 - $9 and I wont charge you a penny more than what I spend. As for the shit you cant buy in the store, I have nothing to do with WOMP WOMP. I wont even bother getting into such things as heroin, youre an asshole if you think Im going to stab myself with anything full of poison.  

Im sorry if I let anybody down, I truely apologize to everyone that was banking on me being the girl who walks around like a zombie all fucked up on a home made cocktail of foreign chemicals. Its just I understand the importance of an honest living. I do like going to work every day and getting handed a pay check at the end of the week. I do promise however to continue drinking heavily between the hours of 8pm and 2am, dont worry your pretty little head.

Good day.

Another Year Another Problem

With each new year I seem to develop a new problem. The last few days of 2011 I decided enough is enough and I was going to break the cycle. Unlike most people who vow to lose weight and quit smoking I wanted to start small. I picked a few bad habits of mine that I need to work on and at the time thought I could for sure get a grip on. First things first I wanted to stop twirling my hair so much. I dont twirl my hair every now and then and have it go unnoticed, I literally have it between my fingers 24/7 going faster than the speed of light. I have been told it is the most obnoxious thing about me. Another more private matter of mine that I wanted to curb was how much I actually pick my nose. My fingers are inside my face for about 20% of the day and thats fucking disgusting. Can you please just picture the absolute horror that goes on while im driving? One hand zipping my hair around and the other jammed up to my wrist in my nose...how the fuck do you drive a car with no hands? YOU DONT. Im a danger to society. I think at one point I had told myself I was going to stop drinking on work nights but thats a pile of bullshit and I must of hit my head or something to have even considered that thought.

New Years was going to consist of  myself and a small group of people hanging out at a friends house and getting absolutely shitfaced in hopes of passing out before midnight so I didnt have to recognize the fact I was going to be standing alone looking fucking stupid while everyone was smooching someone. HOWEVER, like most of my plans, New Years didnt pan out in the same direction I had intended on. The night was real slow going to start and it almost seemed like it would be a total bust. Once the liquor started pouring though we became louder and more intoxicated and made the executive decision to spend midnight at the dive bar up the street....real swell. It was then immediately decided in my mind I was going to order an enormous amount of booze and walk out on the tab. There was no way in hell I wanted to remember yelling "happy new year" at broad street bar and grill for fucks sake. Everyone knew I was sauced out of my damn mind once I was walking around yapping about how "2012 is the year of the vag" and that I was swearing off dick and devoting myself to the ladies. Why when Im drunk I seriously think that a nose picking alcoholic is at all attractive to any sex is beyond me, Im doomed to be loveless, and thats probably for the better of mankind. Anyway midnight came and I got one planted on me by my girl Helen so that was lovely. A few short minutes after 12 I got a call from my cousin telling me to come home and that we were going to Foxwoods. Thats when the real trouble started.

I admit to foolishly getting in my car and racing home. Once back at the house I insisted on my roommate selling me $150 worth of cocaine and he kindly did. BOOM there it is my 2012 problem. Didnt I say I always come up with a new problem every year? I had dabbled a few times before but never had I purchased such a large amount solely for my own use.

Shit happens and I had been pounding that bag in my face every 15 minutes or so throughout the night. Now you tell me how Im supposed to not twirl my hair when I am completely geeked out and bouncing off walls? Not going to happen. New Years resolution number 1, already broken. I at one point forgot my "year of the vag" pledge and retracted to my old ways and got weird (as in sloppy kisses) with my black roommate who just recently broke up with his girlfriend. Thats not awkward as fuck now, "Oh hey black roommate just hopping in the shower! I know what your tongue tastes like and what your dick feels like through your jeans...see ya!" We left the casino a little before noon I think and the whole way home I was gripping my knees, knuckles white as snow, eyes bugging out of my head and my jaw clenched. After getting a nap in once home I woke up and broke resolution number 2. I had to. Its almost impossible to blow coke dusted boogz out of your nose. So I went balls to the walls and shoveled that shit out the best way I knew how.

Bring it on 2012. Bring it the fuck on.

I'm Back & More Fucked Up

Well I have to apologize to the millions of fans that I have kept hanging, and by millions I mean all 4 of my friends that actually read this bullshit. I wish I had more to tell you but to be totally honest I cant remember a fucking thing from 2011. I have been crazy busy trying to keep my job to fuel my alcoholism and now current drug obsession. Its absolutely amazing to me how brain dead I am. I'm even more amazed at the fact between the hours of 8:30am and 5:00pm I manage to trick people into thinking I'm like a normal person who has her shit together, JOKES ON THEM. Anyway to get this shit rolling I'll tell you a quick little story and call it a day.

Im really bad at timeline type of shit so dont quote me on this but a few months back (it could of been a few weeks i dont fucking know) I hurt my shoulder real damn bad. It happened during a blackout binge one weekend and I'm still suffering the consequences. After multiple shots of liquor to the face and a few rounds of prescription drug roulette I started feeling real sexy. Like Im talking "I know Im rocking this bun and sweatshirt" kind of sexy. Naturally it was time to go to a bar. About 13 Coors Lights later it was back to the house to party. I was having a real good time until everything caught up with me and made me feel a bit sick. I started getting that real sweaty mouth type of feeling where no matter how hard you breathe and as many times as you swallow there is a constant puddle of gross happening. On top of that it was absolutely necessary that I keep one eye closed and the other open. I needed fresh air ASAP. The stone wall outside running along the house was the most perfect spot for me to spend the rest of the night. After a solid couple of hours of sleep I rose with the sun. Still a little buzzed I picked myself up thinking I was on the ground and walked right off the wall slamming my face off the house and knocking myself out. There was a dude outside smoking a cig when all of this happened and he was able to wake me and help me up out of the hole dug out for basement windows. When I came to it was evident my arm was seriously fucked the fuck up. I wont lie I cried like a little bitch. I had to toss it in a sling and let it be because I had no health insurance at the time, MY BAD. Every now and then when I move my arm too quick it hurts like all hell and it will probz be like that forever and that sucks. What I learned from this experience? To never assume your feet are planted on the ground and always look around before taking that first step. 

This was a little entry to get me back into the swing of things and I promise promise promise to write more often. Tomorrow I will be going into extreme detail on how my New Years went and I'll tell you right now it wasnt pretty, not even a little bit.

Fight Club

I am a strong believer in swearing. I swear all the time, its in my nature. Im sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that it wasnt necessarily allowed in my house growing up but I was never punished for it either. As a matter of fact my mother told me my designated swear zone was in my bedroom, and she would often walk by my room and over hear me saying "shit shit shit fuck ass bitch..." etc. I think swearing has actually made me less prone to conflict with others. Well I like to think its the swears that help, but there is always the possibility that I am just a giant pussy. 

Now Im not saying I never get in fights, because I do. As many people know I am filled with rage and hate for most everything. The first fight I can remember was on the playground at recess in the first grade. I was with 2 boys and one of them said "now kiss the bride" and slammed the other boys head into mine. It hurt like hell, but instead of tossing a punch his way i called him a "mother fucking asshole likes to suck dick major league jackass" it was something I said often to people as a kid, I thought it was hysterical. Most of the crap I get into is along the lines of being extremely childish.

Back in junior high a few girls asked if I could help them out with another group of girls they were having issues with. I figured what the hell I'll go for kicks. When we arrived at our destination this one chick came flying out of the house with knives. I didnt sign up for that shit so I ran like a bat out of hell screaming my head off. I have never been asked to help out in a fight since.

As I get older I have found myself moving from childish fights to full blown scary shit. An ex boyfriend of mine socked me in the face one night, and I feel like most people would attack the little fucker who punches them, I just screamed a million swears and went to my room. Just recently my girl Helen and I have had a lot of shit hit the fan with some characters in the town we enjoy partying in. This one kid actually told me he was going to stab me, gut me, and kill me. I simply walked away from those words and called it a night. Helen on the other hand doesnt take shit like that, and she will kick your ass, its pretty entertaining. I have actually watched her rip a bitches hair out all while smoking a cig. Shes pretty bad ass, I on the other hand hang back and try to control the situation by asking everyone to calm down and walk away.

Getting to the point of this stupid blog, lastnight I hit a bitch. I had finally snapped. Last call came around at the bar and we were just hanging out outside when two girls started chatting with me. They were very pleasant, introduced themselves and carried a fairly decent conversation. They asked me what my friends name was and when I told them it was Helen the atmosphere changed instantly. Apparently these girls were holding a grudge. A fight broke out almost instantly, and I did my regualr thing asking everyone to cool their jets and lets just keep walking. Then as if in slow motion I looked at this one girl right in the face and thought to myself "shit Amanda this girl just played you like a fool". I remember just looking at her for a while and just getting brutally angry, and then it happened. I punched the idiot right in the face. It had taken 23 years 6 months and 5 days from the day I was born to actually hit someone with force on purpose. That is all, I cant say I enjoyed it but I also didnt hate it. I dont feel bad about it and Im also not proud of it. Whats done is done.

Im currently in my bedroom so...ass asshole nigger slut pussy fuck cunt dick bitch cock whore bullshit cumguzzler fag chink wetback porchmonkey prick junglebunny hooker. That felt good. Maybe that will keep me from punching someone for another 23 years 6 months and 5 days.

Rap Sheet

It’s fair to say that I am a prick. I do and say things that people who grow up in a normal loving environment learn not to do at a young age. I am a rare breed of bullshit. Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a day I wake up concerned about myself and my well being. I still wake up with the intent to fuck shit up. With this mentality running into trouble with the law is a sure thing. You would imagine my criminal record being about 500 pages long with the way I live, but you will be surprised to know I am one lucky bastard when it comes to the law. I have only been to court 3 times due to awesome house parties, and that just fucking rules. Before I begin I want to express how serious I am about the fact I drunk drive a lot. I know it’s unsafe for myself, I understand I put others lives in danger, and I realize the legality issues it could cause me. GO FUCK YOURSELF IF YOU TRY TO TELL ME ANY OF THAT AFTER READING THIS. I have a conscious and sometimes feel guilty when I wake up not sure of how I got home the night before only to find my car sitting on my front porch, doors wide open, and only one tire on the pavement. In all seriousness I am not interested in anyone trying to smack some sense into me or scolding me for the shit I pull, so don’t even think about it. I’m going to run through my drunken moments rather quickly, so I don’t have to hear everyone’s sob stories about how I should be more considerate of the law.

I started causing trouble at a very young age and making the neighborhood kids feel like pieces of shit was my specialty. The first time a cop was involved though I was in the 5^th grade. I had this friend Lucy from school; she had super strict parents and had more money than god. She enjoyed coming over my house because there were very little rules. We had this problem with the fuck tard that lived next door to me, he was this little animal with a twitch who was always riding his bike telling us boys were better than girls, and I have to assume he is gay by now. Anyway we had enough of his garbage and posted up outside of his house armed with a full carton of eggs. Caught in the crossfire happened to be a decent car that now had stripped paint due to my eggs OOPS. That cost my parents a pretty penny. From there I moved on to bigger and better things, in the summer after 6^th grade I stole a little boat down the cape and was brought out to the ocean with the tide. I jumped ship and was greeted on shore by the police. Don’t be impressed, it was a tiny little dingy thing that was on its last leg anyway. The owner of the boat didn’t even press charges. In the 8^th grade I was spoken to by the police on many occasions. Apparently if you call someone a “vagina”, that is sexual harassment and will result in 2 weeks suspension and a conversation the po-po. Also, according to one of my English teachers and Officer Dip Shit when a girl in your class threatens to kill herself by jumping off the second story staircase at school and you tell her to just get it over with and do it resulting in her breaking her arm, you are an accessory to murder. Who knew?

Through high school I managed to stay out of trouble, mainly because I was more concerned with learning how to drive and finding a sexual partner. After a solid 4 years of good behavior, enjoying sex and driving, I decided I also really liked drinking alcohol. My freshman year of college a friend of mine asked me to take his Ford Lightning for a spin around the block to go pick up this girl I knew. I was approximately 10 beers and half a bottle of Jaeger deep. Long story short I crashed into the only god damn telephone pole on the street. My karate instructor from when I was little was apparently a cop, because he was the first to respond. He was kind enough to ignore how shit faced I was, give me a ride home, and only a ticket for crossing the yellow line at a cost of $100. My buddies insurance took care of the rest. That is actually the only accident I have been in involving alcohol. Being pulled over is a different story however.

The most memorable getting pulled over story involved me and 3 of my friends. We had just finished pounding back as much booze as possible and decided we NEEDED food. Pulling out of my local fast food restaurant I was pulled over by a cop who ran my plates and noticed I had no insurance and was unregistered (because I am also a huge deadbeat) we hid all of our booze in our bags of food and stumbled out of the car. Luckily right up the street a hit and run happened and the cop was more concerned about that then our drunk asses. We ended up having to walk home, no big deal. The worst thing is I had no desire to go get my car the next day so I left it there and stopped paying for it completely. It got repossessed at some point and my credit took a huge hit because of it. OH WELL. I have been pulled over at extremely odd hours, and in the middle of the day, one time a friend threw a CD directly at a cop car, sometimes the reason is as small as a backlight, headlight, or blinker being out, I have been stopped while wearing close to nothing, dressed as a Mexican, and on multiple occasions wearing gold spandex. Point is I haven’t been pulled over once sober (if you don’t count the 2 times in high school for speeding), and I have never been in trouble for it.

I found that when a cop is talking to you, look them in the eyes, explain where you were going, and ask a simple question. “I was trying to get to Hale Street in Bridgewater, but must have taken a wrong turn somewhere, could you point me in the right direction?” if you replace the street and town with something close to where you are you should have no problems, knock on wood. I am a master bullshitter, I have been since birth.

The End.