Another Year Another Problem

With each new year I seem to develop a new problem. The last few days of 2011 I decided enough is enough and I was going to break the cycle. Unlike most people who vow to lose weight and quit smoking I wanted to start small. I picked a few bad habits of mine that I need to work on and at the time thought I could for sure get a grip on. First things first I wanted to stop twirling my hair so much. I dont twirl my hair every now and then and have it go unnoticed, I literally have it between my fingers 24/7 going faster than the speed of light. I have been told it is the most obnoxious thing about me. Another more private matter of mine that I wanted to curb was how much I actually pick my nose. My fingers are inside my face for about 20% of the day and thats fucking disgusting. Can you please just picture the absolute horror that goes on while im driving? One hand zipping my hair around and the other jammed up to my wrist in my nose...how the fuck do you drive a car with no hands? YOU DONT. Im a danger to society. I think at one point I had told myself I was going to stop drinking on work nights but thats a pile of bullshit and I must of hit my head or something to have even considered that thought.

New Years was going to consist of  myself and a small group of people hanging out at a friends house and getting absolutely shitfaced in hopes of passing out before midnight so I didnt have to recognize the fact I was going to be standing alone looking fucking stupid while everyone was smooching someone. HOWEVER, like most of my plans, New Years didnt pan out in the same direction I had intended on. The night was real slow going to start and it almost seemed like it would be a total bust. Once the liquor started pouring though we became louder and more intoxicated and made the executive decision to spend midnight at the dive bar up the street....real swell. It was then immediately decided in my mind I was going to order an enormous amount of booze and walk out on the tab. There was no way in hell I wanted to remember yelling "happy new year" at broad street bar and grill for fucks sake. Everyone knew I was sauced out of my damn mind once I was walking around yapping about how "2012 is the year of the vag" and that I was swearing off dick and devoting myself to the ladies. Why when Im drunk I seriously think that a nose picking alcoholic is at all attractive to any sex is beyond me, Im doomed to be loveless, and thats probably for the better of mankind. Anyway midnight came and I got one planted on me by my girl Helen so that was lovely. A few short minutes after 12 I got a call from my cousin telling me to come home and that we were going to Foxwoods. Thats when the real trouble started.

I admit to foolishly getting in my car and racing home. Once back at the house I insisted on my roommate selling me $150 worth of cocaine and he kindly did. BOOM there it is my 2012 problem. Didnt I say I always come up with a new problem every year? I had dabbled a few times before but never had I purchased such a large amount solely for my own use.

Shit happens and I had been pounding that bag in my face every 15 minutes or so throughout the night. Now you tell me how Im supposed to not twirl my hair when I am completely geeked out and bouncing off walls? Not going to happen. New Years resolution number 1, already broken. I at one point forgot my "year of the vag" pledge and retracted to my old ways and got weird (as in sloppy kisses) with my black roommate who just recently broke up with his girlfriend. Thats not awkward as fuck now, "Oh hey black roommate just hopping in the shower! I know what your tongue tastes like and what your dick feels like through your jeans...see ya!" We left the casino a little before noon I think and the whole way home I was gripping my knees, knuckles white as snow, eyes bugging out of my head and my jaw clenched. After getting a nap in once home I woke up and broke resolution number 2. I had to. Its almost impossible to blow coke dusted boogz out of your nose. So I went balls to the walls and shoveled that shit out the best way I knew how.

Bring it on 2012. Bring it the fuck on.