Cosbys Day Out

I think my issue with farting and taking a number 2 in public restrooms started at the end of the second grade. With only about 3 months left to the school year my parents decided to move across town, where I had to enter a new elementary school, and there was little time to make friends before summer vacation. I knew a few kids from playing town league baseball so I wasn’t like some freak standing alone at recess or anything, but it was still very hard for me to adjust. Anyway one day towards the very end of the year, I remember it being super hot, my teacher had us all sit around close together and have a little bit of a story time. That’s where it happened, while sitting Indian style, I let one rip. You can only imagine the sound it made and the different shades of red and pink my face turned. There was nothing I could do I had no defense against the horror I just unleashed in my second grade classroom. I think right then I blacked out because I honestly have no idea how the rest of that day went, horrible I assume. From that day on I had completely shut off my fart mechanism and had never let anything in relation to farts come out of me while other people were or could potentially be around.

The most difficult time of my life was when I went to PCC, a summer camp for awesome people. While most girls thought it was hysterical to have poop and shower parties I found this to be terribly unsettling. The thought of 6 girls sitting in a bathroom listening to music while taking shits, I’ll pass thank you very much. For the first 2 weeks I held my doody in until the weekends, where I found comfort in my own bathroom. My mother got so irritated with this she told me to set the alarm on my phone for 2:00am while at camp and stick it under my pillow, and go take a dump then while everyone is sleeping. That made the other few weeks slightly tolerable.

Six years later and still living with my bowel movement issue, something had changed and it was probably the best thing to ever happen to me, and the worst thing to ever happen to anyone who comes in contact with me. On my friend Pat’s birthday a group of us decided to go out drinking, ending up in scorpion bowl races. By the time we left the bar not one of us was speaking English or walking in any form of a straight line, at one point I remember crawling on the sidewalk. Pat ended up staying behind to fight off a telephone pole that got in his way, and my boyfriend at the time and I stormed ahead. Now I must tell you when I walk too fast and have anything in my belly I tend to throw up, a lot. Scorpion bowls come up in the most beautiful colors too, so I wasn’t that mad about letting it all out on my front walkway. Anyway the boyfriend, Steve, sat next to me for an unusually long time while I threw up, come to find out he was taking a massive crap on my lawn only feet from my face. When I saw the vandalism he had produced next to me I was a little impress, and couldn’t believe he would leave his makings for everyone to see. Turns out it got a lot of laughs, high fives, and “atta boy” type pat on the backs. There it was, people giving props to what I thought was pure evil, and from then on I decided to embrace the fact everyone shits, and I was going to let the world know that I am a shitter.

Not a day goes by I don’t drop one off in the porcelain pool, however sometimes I enjoy switching it up and leaving one where nobody would expect. The first spot I chose to use as my restroom was actually the very same spot Steve had chosen the night of the scorpion bowl races. It got some pretty good feedback and even a few friends snapped some pictures on their phones. My next spot was by a dumpster outside of some kids apartment complex, I then stepped it up and took a dump on the lawn of my friends while a very large party was going on, but my ultimate doodoo story is one that I think cant be beat. I went to a party with two of my girlz, we’ll call them Donna and Tess, that night I drank 3 Four Lokos to my face, and knew things were going to get ugly. The party came to an end with only 4 of us sitting on some couches smoking as much weed as humanly possible. Donna tends to get a little frisky when she drinks and found herself a dude to cuddle on up with, and I couldn’t tell you what Tess was doing, I cant remember. I was left to my own devices, so I made some SpaghettiO’s. I remember the kid who lived there being pretty mad at me for helping myself, and I cant blame him, I get pissed when people eat my food too, but I was high as hell. He also made a vulgar comment about my dear friend Donna. I decided to retaliate. I went into his bathroom and did every stupid thing I could think of. I stuck all the toothbrushes behind the heater; put the razors in Vaseline, and emptied their shaving cream and toothpaste into the sink. I knew that wasn’t enough though I needed something better. I saw the shampoo and conditioner bottles and decided to pee in them, even then I wasn’t satisfied. So I jumped into the tub with the conditioner bottle and left a decently sized dookie in and around the bottle and plenty more in the tub. Once I realized what I had done I gathered the girls, and my bowl of SpaghettiO’s and high tailed it the fuck out of there.

Sad thing is I will never know what kind of reaction that disgusting act received. My guess is something of complete horror. Every now and then I think back on that night and a smile comes across my face, yes I am somewhat proud of what I did. Point is don’t make me mad, because I have overcome my fear of stinky gross poopoo, and will literally shit on you.