Make Money

I am a fucking joke. My first job ever was delivering papers around town. I used to take the money the customers would leave outside for me and knock on the door and claim there was no money and without it I couldnt leave a paper. CHA CHING. That is when I realized I dont need to work hard for some cash. Few years after that I started working at Marshalls (you know the place you go to get a deal on clothing just to go home and find out the sleeves were put on your shirt backwards). I worked the home decorating section and would literally sit in the back for hours testing out pillows and eating jelly beans. I quit that job when I was scheduled to work with a woman who honest to god looked like a gay lion, with her big red curly haired fuck head. After that I hit the big time. I worked in a shoe store for a year or two before being promoted to Assistant Manager woooo! Not only was I able to stare at horrifc old people feet, I was now in charge of the money. Soon I started taking home shoes. We did an audit after about a year of me being manager and were out about $4,000.00. Once that happened I knew to get the fuck out of there. Anyway since then I have been working the STRANGEST jobs, most of them needing some sort of background in, which I just lied and said I had some. I worked in a bike shop fitting people to the right ride, I sold cars for a short time rambling about engines and sun roofs, I worked at a small accounting firm (that was hysterical) I even taught pre-school, until I realized how much most of the kids shit their own pants. Then I decided to really buckle down and create the biggest fib of them all on my resume. I decided I would start working as an Office Manager. With a little luck I landed a few office jobs here and there and bullshitting my way through them until I figured out what it was I needed to be doing.

So here I am today Office Manager of a construction company. I swear this place was made for me. I created my own hours, a brutal 10:30am - 2:30pm shift OUCH. I drink on the job in my windowless office, and spend most of the day hanging out with the mechanic in the warehouse. Only men work here so it is absolutely fine for me to show up wearing just about anything and as hungover as I please. I have developed an extensive list of offensive words to call women and people of different races other than my own. The mechanic has taught me how to do an oil change, replace a headlight, punch things until they go into place, change a tire, and to just keep trying different shit until the car runs. So I'm thinking if this place doesnt pan out for me I might go and try being a jet engine mechanic.

Point is people who run around in their teens and early 20's all stressed about money and where they will be in the next 10 years I want to yell a giant FUCK YOU in your face and let you know youre pissing me off. Slow the hell down and live a little. I am proud of everyone who dives into the journey of college, you will go somewhere in life I am sure of it, but do yourself a favor and get wasted, fall down, do a "walk of shame" or 20, kiss the fat ugly chick, get into trouble, wake up in a strange city. Why? Because its funny. You cant save this shit for later. Let your bank account run dry from spending too much at the bar, dont give yourself an age you have to be married by, and as for having kids, I personally shouldnt raise kids, but if you have the funds then its totally up to you when and with who you procreate with. Either wrap it up or dont.

Its Thursday and I will be absolutely shitfaced before 4pm.